Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dispatch: Day One

12pm Port 91 Seattle, Washington
(By way of Portland for rest, good food and friends.  Portland and Wilson's, we love you.)
330pm On Board:
We made it through baggage, security and check in procedure which are all a “cluster.” Hundreds of very white (Aqua-Man) and Asian (half me) people all compliantly following the herd.   Kids are going crazy.  They are wildly excited and can’t wait to shake “the toads.”  They are itching to explore the ship on their own.  Before they make their break we do the expected “scare the crap of them” parent talk like; tell them don’t hang over the railing, in fact don’t go near the railing, stay out of RESTRICTED AREAS, be sure to look people in the eye, always say please and thank you, if you use your ship card to charge with out asking, we will dismember a part of your body..... And NO RUNNING!   Shortly after, (and no we did not start drinking yet) we realized this is probably not the best parenting advice we could have given them.  Forgive us Lord.
430pm Mandatory Muster/Deck 12:
Incase you are wondering what “muster” is, this is where the cruise line is required to account for all their passengers and attempt to show them how to put a life jacket on.  This is lame.  (May I please just have an “entrepreneurial seizure” attention all cruise lines:  Step in to 2011 and create a video muster and safety check, requiring the passenger to acknowledge that are aware that they are now aboard a ship and how to put the life jacket on.  Really? This seems simple, be way more productive, save money and not piss the passengers off - namely me.)  They line us all up like preschoolers.  The old school folks continue to turn around, loose their place in line, bump into each other (already loaded, I might add) and myself.  There is no real information imparted.  Just roll call and the late people wondering around, ultimately again following the herd.  This is the part about cruising I dread.  As few people know, and I am not proud to admit - but people smell odd and large crowds in small spaces make me nuts (literally).  
My kids behaved perfectly.  
6pm To Our Cabin:
To the room for a cocktail and review of “the planner.  At the top it says:
Day 1 Seattle
Day 2 At Sea
Day 3 Juneau
Day 4 Skagway
Day 5 Tracy Arm Fjord
Day 6 At Sea
Day 7 Victoria British Columbia
Well, this may not sound alarming to you, but how in the hell am I supposed to get back to my car in Seattle?  
While in the midst of an anxiety attack, I quickly flash back to all the mistakes, missed appointments, memory loss moments, I have had over the last few months and pray to God, that I have not booked a one way cruise to British Columbia.  
Aqua-man calming lying on the bed says, “It is okay honey, you will just have to fill some sort of fantasy of my choice everyday, if I have to arrange to get us back to Seattle...”

Peace, love and “oh crap”...A


  1. Ok. I think this is my favorite post so far. And not because I can just imagine you in a confined space with soooo many people, or that fact that Kelly has the upperhand all week now, but because you make me laugh. This is great! Have a great week.

  2. I can't imagine you four all locked into one room. No go to your room or time outs. By the way that is for Kelly. Hope you are all having a great time.