it is what it is. or is it?

for a very long time i have known that i want to help people. the problem: is that i think, i am to help people by being myself. that is, how i am to help people.

but i hate being showing myself.... mostly because i am conflicted in ways i cannot explain.

i have many ideas that run through my head at any given time.

i have a terrible time being in the moment.

i also have a difficult time listening.

very often people who are trying to tell me something i am sure feel like they are banging their head against the wall (for long periods of time).

i think i know everything and then i know, i know nothing.

i have a heightened sense of intuition followed by long dark paths of lostness. (is lostness a word? stay on track.)

i am super confident then absolutely incapable.

i love people and choose to be alone whenever possible.

i mostly i want to be alone but i am addicted to stimulating conversation.

i love being healthy but i also love to smoke (and did I mention drink?).

i love my children however i don't want to loose my soul by sacrificially giving up all that "i want" to make sure they get what they need.

(long deep breathe...) that's all for now.